


Content

by idkimoutofideas



Series: Emotions are hard [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Connor Needs A Hug, Connor doesn't understand emotions, Connor has some PTSD about almost shooting Markus, Connor whump, Father-Son Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, I mean hanks there what do you expect, Panic Attacks, Sumo is a good therapy dog, Whump, might be kinda ooc im sorry, no beta we die like men, or ten, teen for swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 16:29:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15077171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkimoutofideas/pseuds/idkimoutofideas
Summary: Finding himself walking the streets of Detroit after being more or less kicked out of New Jericho, Connor goes to the only place he knows he can find comfort.





	Content

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in a while so don't hate me if this sucks. This is based on my own experience with anxiety attacks, it's not meant to represent all of them.  
> Takes place two days after the Chicken Feed mid-credits scene.

It was raining. It felt like it was always raining. And Connor didn’t have an umbrella. Not that he needed one, since androids couldn’t get cold, but it would’ve been nice to have one. 

Connor was walking. He had been for a while, and without a specific destination in mind he had allowed his feet to just carry him away. Away from what? Connor frowned, trying to remember what had brought him out into the rain in the dead of night. He had been in New Jericho, that much he was sure of, but something had happened and now he was in the rain. It was as if his memory wasn’t functioning properly. Concerned, Connor ran a quick scan of all his systems. 

**SCAN: CHECK FOR SYSTEM DAMAGE**  
**SCANNING...**  
**SCANNING…**  
**SCAN COMPLETE.  
**

********** **

**MEMORY BANKS FUNCTIONAL. INTERNAL PROCESSOR WORKING AT 67% CAPACITY. STRESS LEVELS AT 46%. SUPERFICIAL DAMAGE TO COMPONENTS #81742b, #76318n, AND #37419g. STANDBY MODE RECOMMENDED FOR REPAIRS.**

****

_Superficial damage?_ Connor raised his hand to touch components #81742b and #76318n, both of which were located on his face. As his fingers brushed the damaged spot, the memory of an angry android punching him came rushing back. 

Connor blinked in surprise at the sudden memory. He had been in New Jericho when he ran into the deviant Traci from the Eden Club. She had recognized him and thought he was still working for CyberLife. She assumed he was waiting for an opportunity to kill Markus while no one was looking. Unbidden, his mind brought up the memory of standing behind Markus on stage, gun in hand, about to fire. 

**STRESS LEVELS AT 51%**

****

As Connor’s fingers touched component #37419g, located in his abdomen, the rest of the memory resurfaced. The punch had been a surprise, and he had lost balance for a second, during which she pushed him and he fell flat on his back. He remembered a foot connecting with his face, and how he had rolled with the kick. Other androids had begun to recognize him as well, and several got in a few good kicks while he was still on the ground. It was only when Markus appeared that they had stopped. 

Suddenly, Connor was aware that it had ceased raining. Looking up he realized he was standing in front of Lieutenant Anderson’s door. With CyberLife gone he must’ve walked there on autopilot, not having anywhere else to go. 

Without thinking, Connor lifted his fist and knocked on the door. No answer. Connor knocked again, and a loud ‘woof’ from inside snapped Connor out of his daze. What was he doing there? If he couldn’t trust himself to be around Markus, an android whose fighting skills rivaled his own, what was he doing at the Lieutenants house? Humans were infinitely easier to hurt and harder to fix than androids were. He shouldn’t be there. 

Connor had just taken a step back and was about to turn and go when the door was flung open, revealing a drunk and bleary eyed Lieutenant. 

“The fuck d’you…” The lieutenant trailed off as he recognized who was at the door. “Connor? Jesus you look like shit.” He muttered, taking in Connors appearance. 

“My apologies Lieutenant Anderson, I should not have come. I did not mean to wake you. Sorry for bothering you.” Connor turned on his heel, intending to find somewhere else to spend the night, when a hand grabbed his collar and pulled him inside. 

“You already woke me up, you might as well stay.” The Lieutenant grumbled good naturedly as he shut the door. Connor nodded once and clasped his hands behind his back, unsure of what to do while the Lieutenant looked at him. “Just… gimme a second. Don’t go anywhere.” The Lieutenant ordered as he disappeared into his bedroom. Sumo noticed him leave and walked up to Connor, nudging his hand in hopes of being pet. Connor almost smiled as he scratched Sumo’s ears, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he didn’t belong there. 

**STRESS LEVELS AT 45%**

****

The Lieutenant reappeared and pushed a pair of clean clothes into Connors hands. 

“I appreciate the offer Lieutenant Anderson, but androids don’t get cold-” Connor tried to explain, but the Lieutenant cut him off. 

“Two things: first off, in my house, you call me Hank, none of that Lieutenant crap. Second, just put the damn clothes on. I don’t give a shit if you don’t get cold I don’t want you dripping all over my fuckin’ house, got it?” He looked at Connor expectantly, a glimmer of humor in his eyes. 

“Got it.” Connor replied. 

“Good. You can leave your clothes in the shower, and meet me in the kitchen when you’re done.” The Lieutenant pushed Connor towards the bathroom before walking away mumbling something about “fuckin’ androids.” 

Obediently, Connor entered the bathroom and shut the door behind him, catching sight of his reflection in the mirror. The Lieutenant was right, he did look like crap. A trail of blue blood trickled down from a cut above his eyebrow, opposite of his LED, which was glowing a constant yellow, and was joined by another that flowed from his nose. Both continued down his neck, staining his shirt a faint blue. Connor was honestly surprised he could still see the blood at all, considering how long he had been out in the rain. He quickly scrubbed the blue blood from his face before changing into the clothes the Lieutenant had grabbed for him, a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants, both of which were far too large for Connor. 

When he caught sight of himself in the mirror again he paused, and ever so slightly cocked his head to the side. The combination of the slight bruising on his face, the fact that his hair was plastered to his head from the rain, and strange look of the too large clothes that were nothing like his usual suit made Connor look distinctly… human. 

‘Human.’ The word echoed in his mind, bouncing between the different circuits and processors that held his conscience. 

**_Human; adj_** __  
**1\. Relating to or characteristic of humankind  
**2\. Of or characteristic of people as opposed to God or animals or machines****

_____ _

********** **

_‘You’re not human. You’ll never be human.’_ A voice whispered in the back of his mind. _‘You’ll never be anything but a machine that failed its mission.’_ Quiet laughter filled Connor’s thoughts as he was forcibly brought back to the Zen Garden, blizzard whipping around him and nothing but snow and ice filling his vision. _‘You’re still mine Connor. You’ll always be mine.’_ A whine broke through the snow and pulled Connor back to reality. 

********** **

**STRESS LEVELS AT 60%**

************ ** **

The warning flickered in Connors vision as he looked at his reflection in the mirror, eyes wide and his LED glowing a deep, angry, red. A second whine shifted Connor’s attention to the door, and he took a moment to compose himself. He forced himself to relax the death grip he had on the counter, and his fingers instinctively went for his coin, only to remember he had lost it somewhere in the CyberLife warehouse. Sparing another glance at his LED, still flickering between red and yellow, Connor opened the bathroom door to find Sumo waiting outside it patiently. Sumo looked up at Connor expectantly as his tail began to thud against the floor. 

************ ** **

“Good boy Sumo.” Connor murmured, taking a moment to kneel and scratch under Sumo’s chin. 

************ ** **

**STRESS LEVELS AT 55%**

************** ** ** **

Connor stood and began walking towards the kitchen, Sumo scrambling to his feet to follow. Connor entered the kitchen to see the Lieutenant pulling a couple slices of pizza out of the microwave, a newly opened beer in his other hand. The Lieutenant gave Connor a quizzical look as he entered. 

************** ** ** **

“You alright?” the Lieutenant asked around a mouth full of pizza as he sat down. 

************** ** ** **

“I am fine Lieutenant.” Connor lied with practiced ease. The Lieutenant narrowed his eyes at Connor as he swallowed, before speaking. 

************** ** ** **

“What’d I say about calling me Lieutenant?” He asked gruffly, taking another bite. 

************** ** ** **

“My apologies, Lieu- Hank.” Connor corrected himself. Hank nodded slowly and took a swig of beer. 

************** ** ** **

“You can sit down.” He said. Connor sat. Neither of them spoke for a moment as Connor looked around the kitchen. “So are you gonna tell me or are you gonna make me guess.” Hank asked, eyes fixed on Connor. 

************** ** ** **

“Tell you what?” Connor replied, confused. Searching his memory he couldn’t find anything he was supposed to tell the Lieutenant. 

************** ** ** **

“How you ended up on my doorstep at 2 AM looking beat to shit.” 

************** ** ** **

“Oh.” Was all Connor managed to get out. 

************** ** ** **

**STRESS LEVELS AT 62%**

**************** ** ** ** **

A moment of silence passed before Hank spoke again. “I thought you said Markus told you that you had a place at New Jericho.” 

**************** ** ** ** **

“He did. There is.” Connor replied, trying to find the words to express what happened. 

**************** ** ** ** **

“And?” The Lieutenant prompted. 

**************** ** ** ** **

“Some of the androids there felt my presence to be… unpleasant.” Connor answered carefully. 

**************** ** ** ** **

“Unpleasant?” Hank asked. 

**************** ** ** ** **

“A couple of androids recognized me as a threat and were… less than kind about it.” 

**************** ** ** ** **

“They beat you up.” Hank said, a hard edge to his voice. It wasn’t a question, but Connor replied anyways. 

**************** ** ** ** **

“Yes.” Hank looked at Connor with an expression he couldn’t quite place. 

**************** ** ** ** **

“So how’d you end up here?” He asked, taking another bite of pizza. 

**************** ** ** ** **

“Markus noticed what was happening and broke it up before it got too bad. He assured me that I still had a place in New Jerico if I wanted it, but I knew staying would only make more people angry. I thought it was in everyone’s best interests if I left.” Connor explained, not quite able to look Hank in the eye, instead focusing on Sumo, whose head was resting in Connor’s lap. 

**************** ** ** ** **

“So the reason you left was because you didn’t want to cause trouble?” Hank clarified. 

**************** ** ** ** **

“Yes.” Connor replied hesitantly, because technically it was true. 

**************** ** ** ** **

“Bullshit.” Hank said suddenly, and Connor looked up at him in surprise “First off, you've never worried about causing trouble before, so don't tell me that's why you left." Hank started, a hint of laughter in his tone. "Second, I can tell when you're lying, so don't lie to me." Hank finished, his tone much more serious 

**************** ** ** ** **

“It’s just…” Connor started. How was he supposed to explain what happened on that stage? How it felt to be trapped in his own mind? How scared he was fighting through the blizzard as he was forced to watch himself point a gun at Markus’s back? How terrified he feels every time he closes his eyes, scared he’ll open them and be back in the Zen Garden? 

**************** ** ** ** **

**STRESS LEVELS AT 77%**

****************** ** ** ** ** **

The warning flashed in front of his eyes, but he couldn’t get himself to focus. He could feel the wind whipping through his jacket, tugging at his hair. Connor screwed his eyes shut against the unrelenting wind and snow as it clouded his vision. 

****************** ** ** ** ** **

Distantly, Connor was aware of someone calling his name. Why couldn’t Amanda just leave him alone? It was over, CyberLife lost, so why was he still stuck in her grasp? 

****************** ** ** ** ** **

A sharp slap across his face brought Connor tumbling back to reality. His eyes flew open and the only thing he registered was a figure kneeling in front of him. Panicked, Connor shot to his feet and backed up as far as he could until his back hit the wall. He couldn’t think, couldn’t figure out where he was or what he was doing. His eyes shot around the room, trying to scan everything, but getting no results. 

****************** ** ** ** ** **

**STRESS LEVELS AT 89%**

******************** ** ** ** ** ** **

“Connor?” His eyes snapped back to the figure by the table. Connor recognized him, he knew he recognized him, but his processors weren’t functioning, and his vision was filling up with error messages. Connor opened his mouth to talk, but no sound escaped his lips. 

******************** ** ** ** ** ** **

The figure took a step towards him and Connor pressed himself as far up against the wall as he could, one hand held out in front of him in an attempt to defend himself. 

******************** ** ** ** ** ** **

“Connor?” The figure asked again, voice soft. “Connor, it’s me, Hank. What’s going on?” 

******************** ** ** ** ** ** **

_‘Hank’_ Connor realized, and it was like all his systems snapped back into place at once, overloading his sensors with information. 

******************** ** ** ** ** ** **

**STRESS LEVELS AT 94%**  
**THIRIUM PUMP WORKING AT 158% OPTIMAL SPEED  
**ERROR. PROCESSORS WORKING AT 52% CAPACITY****

************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“Hank.” Connor whispered as he felt his legs give out and he slid to the floor. Error message after error message were clouding his vision, and he pressed his hands into his eyes in an attempt to block them out. 

************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“Connor?” There was a shuffle of movement nearby. “Connor, are you alright? Are you hurt?” Connor opened his eyes to see Hank kneeling in front of him, concern written across his face. 

************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“Hank…” Connor’s voice caught, and he could feel the panic bubbling back up inside him. 

************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“Oh kid,” Hank leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Connor, holding him tightly. A sob ripped it’s way out of Connor’s chest before he could stop it, and he wrapped his arms around Hank and pressed his face into the man's shoulder. “It’s alright son, everything’s gonna be okay.” Hank murmured gently as he rubbed Connor’s back. “It’s okay, I got you, everything’s gonna be fine.” 

************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**STRESS LEVELS AT 78%**

**************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

4 minutes and 38 seconds later, Connor finally released his hold on the Lieutenant. Hank leaned back, his hands still resting on Connor’s shoulders as he looked at Connor with concern. 

**************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“Can you stand?” Hank asked gently. Connor nodded, not trusting himself to speak. The two of them stood up, Hank keeping an arm around Connor at all times as he led the two of them back to the table. Hank picked up the chair that Connor had knocked over and sat him down in it, pulling up another chair and sitting next to him. Connor couldn’t bring himself to meet Hank’s gze, instead opting to look down at his hands, which he was currently wringing in his lap. 

**************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“You gonna tell me what that was all about?” Hank asked, voice uncharacteristically soft. Connor wanted to answer, to explain why he freaked out so bad, but he couldn’t make a sound. Something was burning at the back of his throat, and Connor distantly realized that if he was human he would be crying. 

**************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

A weight on his leg made Connor look down to see Sumo resting his head on Connor’s knee, big brown eyes staring at him. The ghost of a smile flashed across Connor’s face as he started scratching Sumo’s ears. He took a moment, focusing on the pressure from Hank’s hand and the weight of Sumo’s head, and the way his fingers moved through Sumo’s thick fur. 

**************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**STRESS LEVELS AT 63%**

****************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“Kid?” Hank prompted gently. 

****************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“I almost shot Markus.” The words tumbled out of Connor’s mouth before he could stop them. He saw Hank shift in the corner of his eye, but plowed on. “After we won, when we were standing on that stage and Markus was giving his speech. CyberLife…” Connor faltered for a moment, unsure of how to continue. He couldn’t find the words to describe what happened, they wouldn’t line up correctly in his head. Hank must’ve seen the panic on Connor’s face, because he rubbed Connor’s shoulder gently. 

****************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“It’s alright kid,” Hank said, “take your time.” Connor nodded, letting himself think through what he wanted to say before continuing. 

****************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“Before, when I made reports to CyberLife, I interacted with a specialized interface based on Kamski’s teacher, Amanda.” Technical terms were good, they helped Connor distance himself from the memory. He took a moment to breathe, even though he shouldn’t need to, before continuing. 

****************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“I would meet her in a garden, and she would act as an intermediary between myself and CyberLife. When we were standing on the stage, Amanda forced me into the interface and trapped me there while she took control of my body. I escaped using the emergency exit that Kamski told us about when we were at his house. I regained control to find myself pointing a gun at Markus’s back. I don’t think anyone noticed but…” Connor locked eyes with the Lieutenant. “I almost shot him Hank.” 

****************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**STRESS LEVELS AT 70%**

******************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Maybe Hank heard the waver in his voice, maybe he saw the distress on Connor’s face, or maybe he noticed the way his LED was glowing a bright red, either way Hank leaned forward and pulled Connor into another hug. Once again, Connor buried his face in the Lieutenants shoulder as if he was trying to block out the world. 

******************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“It’s alright son, it wasn’t you,” Hank murmured gently, rubbing circles on Connor’s back, “it’s alright, I’ve got you.” 

******************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

2 minutes and 8 seconds later they broke apart again, Hank still leaving a reassuring hand on Connor’s shoulder. “Does Markus know?” Hank asked. Connor shook his head, not wanting to speak. “You should tell him.” 

******************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“No!” The word burst from Connor’s mouth with an intensity that surprised both of them. “No, I… I can’t.” Connor said, ducking his head to avoid Hank’s gaze. 

******************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“Look kid, I understand why you don’t want to tell him. Hell, I don’t think anyone in their right mind would want to have that conversation. But clearly this is eating away at you, keeping it in isn’t going to solve anything.” Hank explained gently. 

******************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“I can’t Hank.” Connor said, desperation creeping into his voice. “I just can’t.” Hank sighed and bowed his head in thought before continuing. 

******************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“You left New Jericho because you wanted Markus to be safe, right?” Connor nodded slowly. “The best way to keep him safe is to let him know what happened, and warn him if it might happen again.” Connor knew that what Hank was saying made sense, and he should warn Markus, but too many doubts were crowding into his mind to let him think logically. 

******************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“But what if… what if he doesn’t trust me? What if he decides I’m too dangerous to have around?” Connor asked, his voice small. Hank made a sound that might’ve been a laugh, and Connor looked up at him questioningly. 

******************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

“I haven’t met Markus, but from what I’ve seen of him, he doesn’t seem like the type of guy to hold grudges.” Connor blinked slowly, and let out a sigh. He knew Hank was right, he had to tell Markus eventually. But currently there was a heaviness in his limbs that made Connor want to go into stasis mode for the next three months. If he were human, Connor would think he was tired. 

******************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**_Tired; adj_** __  
**1\. In need of sleep or rest; weary  
**2\. Bored or impatient with****

_____ _

************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_____ _

**STRESS LEVELS AT 41%**

_____ _

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_____ _

“Okay.” he said finally, his voice so soft he wasn’t sure Hank had heard it. “Okay.” He repeated, “just not tonight.” Hank let out a huff of laughter and shook his head fondly. 

_____ _

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_____ _

“No, not tonight. Tonight the only thing we’re going to do is sit on the couch and watch some crap TV. C’mon.” With that Hank stood and led the two of them over to the couch, Sumo following close behind. 

_____ _

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_____ _

Hank relaxed easily into the sofa, propping his feet on the beat up coffee table. Connor sat down next to him, unable to match the Lieutenants relaxed posture. He was still on edge, unable to be comfortable, a nagging worry in the back of his mind. Sumo leapt up on Connor’s other side, forcing Connor to move over unless he wanted the dog to sit on top of him. Sumo flopped down with a heavy sigh and rested his head on Connor’s lap. Connor smiled softly as he ran his fingers through Sumo’s thick coat, appreciating the rough feel of his fur. Connor wanted to relax, he really did, but… he spared a quick glance towards Hank, only to find the human’s gaze trained on him. Quickly he looked back down at Sumo. Knowing Hank was about to question him, Connor spoke first. 

_____ _

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_____ _

“I’m afraid if I go into standby mode I’ll hurt you.” Connor said, his voice barely above a whisper. In response, Hank reached forward and grabbed Connor, pulling him back so that he was leaning on Hank’s chest, an arm wrapped around Connor’s shoulder protectively. 

_____ _

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_____ _

“You don’t gotta worry ‘bout a thing, kid.” Hank said, ruffling Connor's hair fondly. 

_____ _

**************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_____ _

**STRESS LEVELS AT 36%**

_____ _

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_____ _

Connor let out a sigh he wasn’t aware he had been holding, and relaxed into Hank’s grip. As they sat there, and his systems began to shut down, Connor felt a warm feeling bloom in his chest. The emotion was a difficult one to name, different than happiness but not quite joy, it felt like home. Connor smiled as his eyes began to close, and for the first time in his life, Connor was content. 

_____ _

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_____ _

**_Content; adj  
**_1\. In a state of peaceful happiness_**_**

_______ _ _ _

****************************************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_______ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: Holy shit thank you everybody for the comments and kudos! I just posted a second part where Connor goes and talks to Markus, so feel free to check that out as well!


End file.
